


Not Just Penpals

by fckyeahgallavich, NotHereNJ (efficaceous)



Category: Shameless (US), gallavich - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bipolar Ian Gallagher, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Epistolary, Letters, M/M, Mickey stands up for himself, Out of Character, Protective Mickey Milkovich
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:09:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 7,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21752023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fckyeahgallavich/pseuds/fckyeahgallavich, https://archiveofourown.org/users/efficaceous/pseuds/NotHereNJ
Summary: What if Ian didn't completely leave Mickey all alone in prison?
Relationships: Ian Gallagher & Mickey Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich
Comments: 95
Kudos: 207





	1. December 15, 2015

Mickey,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I visited... I can't get our conversation out of my head -- what I said about Svetlana paying me.

It was cruel to say and I can't even really see why I said it.

I guess I'm just surprised you want anything to do with me after I broke up with you and everything. And honestly, seeing you behind all of that glass... It's like those that shivs you always joked about going right through my chest. Seeing you in there, and not really knowing why you're there... I don't know, it just really fucking sucks.

I think about you a lot. Like, the other day Fiona congratulated me for sticking to my meds even though they make me feel like I'm walking underwater. And that convo made me think of you always giving me my pills, acting like they were no big deal, like nothing had changed. 

I miss that. I miss how nothing with you was a big fuckin spectacle, we just did what we had to do and kept going.

I don't even know why I'm writing this... I was I don't even know what to you the last time I saw you... We're not even together anymore, and you've stopped calling which I guess means you're moving on... Which makes me an even bigger asshole if that's the case...

It's good for you to move on. But I also don't want you to... Because even though I was the one who did the dumping, I guess there's still a part of me that knows (hopes) it's not over. 

I miss you, I'm on my meds, and I'm sorry I said that shit to you last time I saw you.

That's what I wrote you to say. You don't have to answer.

I wouldn't.

~Ian.


	2. December 22, 2015

Ian,

Fuck you.

Yeah, I had finally stopped calling because I thought I'd caught your hint.

And now you're here saying the hint was bullshit or????

What fucking game are you playing with this shit?

Still, I'm glad you're on your meds.

Wish you could've decided to take them before dumpin me for giving a shit, but... You're taking them at all and that's good.

I want you to take care of yourself. Not for me or my approval or for anyone else's. Do it for you because it's what you should do even though it sucks. I know it sucks, the bruise telling me so only healed up last month.

I don't really know what to tell you about saying you miss me. I'm right fuckin here, you know where to find me and it's not like I'm turning you away at the door.

I guess you think seeing me in here is too hard for you to deal with and you think that's a good fucking excuse to say what you said and do what you did

Seriously, fuck you.

I miss you too and I fucking hate it. Especially since you're telling this to me on paper instead of coming to say it to my face. What the fuck am I going to do with a piece of paper in here?

And you know the most fucked up part? Even while I'm sitting here pissed off about all the shit I did for you, all the shit you don't give a flying fuck about me doing for you even though it was "hard," I'm happy you wrote.

Do me a favor. If you're gonna drop off the face of the Earth again, don't write back.

If you're not gonna write me for longer than a week or two then save yourself the postage.

Stay on those meds. Yeah, I'm gonna hound you about them even if I'm still locked up. The fuck'll you do about it?

-Mickey


	3. December 29, 2015

Mickey,

I'm intending to keep writing... If I turn out to be liar, please don't hate me. I'm writing, I think, because I miss you and I'm worried about you. 

And if I'm being really honest, I'm worried about myself... And that's why I said 'I think,' because there's a lot of things that got me to write to you the first thing and that is pushing me to keep writing you.

I'm worried about myself. I don't know myself anymore and that's the most frightening thing I've ever experienced, honestly - obvious exceptions aside...

I told you I don't need fixing, that I'm me. But I'm not even sure who that is anymore. And that's scary.

Have you ever felt like this? I know you did a lot of hiding and lying when you were in the closet, but did you actually not know who you were, or genuinely not like him?

That feeling I told you about, like I'm walking through water, it's not getting any better. Actually, I think it might be making me feel worse. I can't stop thinking about what a piece of shit I am but then I can't even put my finger on why I feel this way because I can't even put my finger on who I am _!_

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't be dumping this all on you. I don't really have the right to act like shit between us back to normal just because you decided to write back.

Thank you by the way.

Even with the 'fuck yous' it was just good to have something of yours. I could actually damn near hear you, I swear I could. Made me think of the way you used to tell me to fuck off when I'd tell you a bad joke you were trying not to laugh at. I know it wasn't that kind of 'fuck you,' but, hey I'm sick, I think of random shit like that.

Plus, I guess I like to ,think that you writing me back means we could be cool again at some point. Not to get mushy, but I never really realized that you're my best friend, Mick. I'm out here totally alone and it's making me realize that for over five years you've been the first and only person (well, you and Mands) I've really been able to be myself around - whoever the fuck that is.

I guess I'm rambling at this point which probably means I should wrap up.

Don't worry about my bullshit with my meds, I'm gonna keep taking them. I don't want to, but I imagine if I stop that's gonna put me right back where I was last month. And even though I don't know who I am now, I know I definitely don't like the me who ran off with Monica and broke shit off with you.

I love you,

Ian.

Happy New Year, by the way.


	4. January 3, 2016

Shithead,

You don't get to act like we're cool. I still haven't seen your ass around here. Take that 'I love you' and save it for when you can actually say it to my face so I ,can know it's real. Or at least until you've written consistently for more than two fuckin weeks.

Oh, and you can hang that bitching about how alone you feel out there in freedom as though I ain't cooped up in this hellhole with a bunch of homophobes and assholes who'd turn my ass out for a cigarette if I didn't give em the picture that I'm not a bitch before they even got the idea. You sayin that you'd have come back to me if I were out? That the only thing keeping you from seeing me right now is that you can't stand to see me behind glass?

Your stupid fuckin questions sure haven't suddenly gone anywhere. What's this about you suddenly being so unsure of yourself and shit? You've always known who you are. 

But to answer your stupid question, I've never known who I am, Gallagher. Never.

I was Terry's son, then I was your partner, but who I am? I've never given a shit because I always had value.

And now, thanks to you, I don't have that anymore.

So even though it's bizarre to say this, I guess that's something we're going through together... Self-discovery and shit. The difference between me and you is I don't really think it matters. We do what we have to do, like what we like, don't what we don't, and do our best.

Right now I'm a gay guy in prison, having to do what I gotta do to get by and having feelings about those things ain't gonna make it easier to do them. I don't really know what to tell you honestly. Sounds to me like you need a new Rx because the pills are fuckin with your head giving you this sudden existential crisis. 

But I ain't a doctor.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't hate you. And even though things are fucked right now, you've always been my favorite person.

That's enough mush, pull yourself together and keep taking those meds til your doc tells you otherwise.

~Mickey


	5. January 24, 2016

Mickey,

I'm sorry it's been so long! I guess I should've sent a little note or something to let you know I wasn't quitting.

I had a rough time with the transition - you were right, by the way; new brand's got me doing better, though the thoughts wondering who I am and shit are still there. So anyway, I got a new script and Fiona was on my ass at Patsy's so I quit. I couldn't find anything else to do so Lip got me a job at his college as a janitor. Figured it was better than gettin ragged on by Fiona all day at Patsy's, but, I don't know, Lip started actin different, making it clear I wasn't as smart as him and shit, always having these brainy inside jokes with his friends and teachers and it just pissed me off.

I thought about going back to dancing... But then I remembered what I did last time I worked there... and I just couldn't do it again.

So... here I am, jobless and having _no_ idea what to do and missing you and feeling like a jackass for leaving you in the dust again and needing to get my shit in order but having no fucking clue how to do it.

Anyway, all that's to say I won't let so much time go again. I bet you were getting pissy, and I wouldn't blame you if your next letter (if you even write back) was all cussing me out. I guess I hope you'll understand, but... I don't know.

I get why you called me Shithead last time... I guess it's obvious why you called me that - and you're right. I was trying to act like shit was all good between us already, and I get why it's not. I also get why you want me to come see you, I just really can't deal with that window, the phones... I guess that makes me a shithead too, and I'll just accept that.

Yeah, I guess that question was stupid. You just always seemed to know who you were too. Milkovich pride and all that. But even beyond that, you always knew who you were (or seemed to) and didn't give a shit who knew unless, you know, they were a fuckhead like Terry. Even when you had to keep so much of yourself a secret you always seemed to know exactly who you were, but maybe you really did keep yourself hidden even from you? And I just never knew or noticed? Does that make me a shithead too?

I guess I assumed that since you always seemed so confident and open with me that it meant maybe you hadn't felt what I feel now.

How is that, by the way, that we could always be ourselves with each other even without knowing what 'ourselves' were?

I guess that's another stupid question.

I don't think I can tell you how good it feels that you don't hate me. Even though I am a shithead and you're probably pissed at me now.

Miss you,

Ian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and constructive feedback appreciated!


	6. January 30, 2016

Ian,

Not gonna lie, I was starting to regret answering your first letter.

Yeah, send a note or somethin if your letter'll be late. It'll keep me from hatin you (Don't get your sensitive ass in a panic, I'm fucking joking).

And if you're gonna be a bitch about seein me, treating me like a penpal or some shit then that's exactly what we're doing.

Prison sucks and I want my penpal to tell me about movies I'm missing to help me pass the time.

Deliver, bitch.

-Mickey


	7. February 14, 2016

Mick,

Do penpals wish each other a happy Valentines Day? Well, fuck it--Happy V-Day.

There is a movie I'm sure you'd like, but the idea of going without you and then telling you all about it seems like bragging--Rubbing it in, you know? You sure you want me to write to you about it? It's a fucked-up superhero movie, the hero is an asshole and a smartass and... I don't know, like I said I'm certain you'd love it and I don't want to see it without you.

I don't want to upset you by acting like we're cool so...

I guess this is it, penpal.

~Ian


	8. February 18, 2016

Penpal,

If you go see that movie you'll have to visit to tell me about it because, yeah, it sounds right up my alley.

But if you're still wanting to be a bitch about visiting then write about it without sounding braggy. Call it homework.

Almost got tempted to shiv someone the other day.

They wished me a "Happy V-Day"

Ha ha.

\--Mickey


	9. February 16, 2016

Fuck. Deadpool. I just had the most frightening and fuckin... I don't even know experience of my life! Mick... I saved a woman's life.  Someone hit her car head-on on the bridge -- you know the one -- and the prick just got out and ran! Just as her fuckin car caught fuckin fire! I got her out and dragged us both away right before the car practically exploded! I'm still in complete shock, Mick. I haven't felt this rush since I started the rotors of the helicopter with the army or since I headbutted your dad after you came out.

I feel like I've found a direction, but I don't even know what that direction is yet.

I just... I wish I could pick up and call you, you know? This is the kind of thing I wish you were around for even if we weren't together.

We're still not, right? Are we even friends still?

God this whole thing has me so confused.

I miss you like a friend, like my best friend who went to a different summer camp.

Anyways, that's what's going on with me.

Till next time, Mick.

~Ian


	10. Feb 20, 2016

What the fuck were you doin on that bridge? Everyone knows that's where sorry saps go to jump and you ain't no sorry sap, are you? Cuz if so then you need to get your Rx checked again.

Whatever reason you were on that godforsaken bridge for, I'm glad you did something worthwhile instead of destructive. I worry about you every fuckin day and fuck you for those stupid fuckin questions. All I've ever wanted was for us to be best friends and together -- that's who you've always been to me and that's who I still want you to be.

If you want to talk to me so fucking bad, you know where to find me. I ain't calling you again, but good job tryna trick me into it, actin like it was my idea. Well, it ain't gonna work -- the deal still stands: you wanna hear from me, you come visit.

Let me know when you figure out what direction you're headed in.

\--Mickey


	11. February 26, 2016

Mick,

It's looking like the direction I'm wanting to go down is to be a fireman. Did you know there's a whole shift just for the gay firemen? You'd think it' s discriminatory or something but it seems more cultural or whatever; everyone's cool with it if that makes sense. No? Yeah, probably not, but whatever, that's how it works there.

Anyway.... I saw them all in action and I really think fire fighting could be something I want to do. 

That's enough on me, though. What's going on with you? I feel bad now, realizing I've never really asked so we always talk about me. You learning anything good in there? Pick up a book at some point even though I know you hate it. They're good to pass the time and they can bulk up more than your biceps for a change. (Not saying I've ever complained about your biceps...)

I miss you... Do you miss me too? I know, I know, you just laid your heart out there for me and so I shouldn't keep asking these stupid questions, but it almost feels like maybe you're telling me what I want to hear or something. I hate that thought but I can't escape it.

I hope you've got someone in there to help you through. You deserve to have someone meaningful in your life, someone who relates to you and you can relate to. I'll keep you updated on my 'direction' since you asked before and I hope you give me some insight to what's going on with you. I'm worried about you.

Love,

Ian.


	12. March 2, 2016

You ignore what I said about visiting to get my thoughts and shit for the sake of your stupid fucking conscience one. more. time. and I ain't responding anymore.

\--Inmate Milkovich


	13. March 6

Mick,

I get you want me to visit. I do. And I miss you and I worry about you more than I should say, Mick. It's why I did end up writing you after I stopped visiting. But... please don't think I don't miss you or that I just shove these letters in a drawer and don't think about you until the next one comes because that's not the case. I just... I don't know. I keep seeing you behind that glass and it makes me want to rip out my own insides.

What if you call me? Would that be a good compromise? I'm off all day Friday and Sunday, I'll keep my phone on me, with the ringer up all day those days. I want to be there for you, Mickey, but I also have to do what's best for me. Being there also kind of reminds me of the hospital and it just... God, it's just too much okay? Well, maybe it's not okay but that is the way it is for me and I'm sorry that means it impacts you too.

Call me, the usual number.

Ian.


	14. March 12, 2016

Ian,

I'm not going to lie I really didn't think that you would answer so I almost didn't call. I'm glad you picked up. It was good to hear your voice. I'm still pissed that you're not coming to see me in person -- if you think it's hard to see me like this imagine what it's fuckin like being in here and being left behind when you leave. But... I guess if I'm picking up scraps then I'm going to be happy with it... A phonecall is better than nothing, just like letters are better than nothing.

It's good that you're going after the EMT job. Can't even begin to imagine how much that pays -- and it's gonna fulfill your need to help people and shit. A good fit, that's what I'm trying to say. I hope you get it.

Remember when you used to try to get me to do my homework with you but I just sat beside you while you did yours and doodled? You were always so pissed that I wouldn't show you what they were. Anyway, I just remember how seriously you took school and ROTC and all that shit so, don't freak out you're going to get your GED no problem and get that job no problem.

I've been thinking about that fireman you told me about and, as much as it kills me to say it... I'm glad you've found someone else who doesn't look at you funny for having what you have. ~~You know I would have~~

~~I guess I'm not surprised that you're moving on~~

~~I'm proud of you for~~ ~~~~

You deserve to be happy, Ian. And... As much as I want to be the person to make you happy, I guess that's just not how this is going to work.

Maybe a visit would be a bad idea...

Lemme know when you can talk again and I'll make sure I've got phone credit.

\--Mick


	15. March 18, 2016

Mick,

You were right! I got my GED easy! Almost too easy, actually. It makes me wonder why everyone doesn't just drop out sophomore year, get the diploma-replacement, and get to work haha.

Anyway, now one step is done so I can move on to apply for EMT training, and then of course I'll have more exams (UGH!)

It was good to hear your voice too, Mick. I really do miss you -- and before you say it, I know that means I should come visit. I hope I explained it to you enough over the phone.

Anyway, I kind of have something to tell you... Something upsetting.

I know you just told me you are okay with me and Caleb (which is really big of you, Mick, I can't tell you what your words meant to me) but... I don't know... I told him some things about you and me.. that we got violent and never went on a date and stuff like that and he jumped to the conclusion that you abused me -- Never mind that I started most of those fights. But either way, it got me thinking... Did we abuse each other? Were we bad for each other? It'd never even crossed my mind before because... I don't know, we're guys and in the south side and shit.

Sorry to return your letter with this dark shit. I just can't get it out of my head now that he's said it and you know how I get when a thought gets trapped in my head.

Call me any time on Wednesday if you can, I'm off and Caleb's working so we don't have to worry about him interrupting or anything.

I hope your bunkie stops "borrowing" your shit. Don't want ot hear you got yourself sent to solitary over deodorant or shampoo theft. Though I guess it's a better reason than jell-o ;)

~Love, Ian


	16. March 24, 2016

Ian,

Of course you'd date someone who'd call our relationship "abusive." To answer your question, no I don't think we abused each other. You know how sorry I am for that one time by our building and you apologized for hittin me at the ballfield. And even if you hadn't apologized I would've forgiven you anyway. I knew where you were comin from, never blamed you for it. 

Sometimes we can't get the right words and so we act. It's just that those times we acted and acted wrong. If we were still together I'd say there's no way either of us would repeat those mistakes. As it is, I guess I can safely say the same... Fuck you very much for remindin me.

Don't look at it as I gave you my blessing or anything. From what you've told me this guy sounds like a yuppie prick and it doesn't sound like you'll last. But I thought we'd last forever, so what do I know?

Bunkie is now in another cell, thanks for asking. I'll spare the details but... Yeah, he learned not to "borrow" from a Milkovich.

\--You know who


	17. March 23rd — 4:25PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies! I recently was approached by the amazing NotHereNJ who asked if we could continue this project on together and I am very excited with the direction we are headed! So from here on out the project is co-authored by myself and NotHereNJ. Be sure to check out her other works and I hope you all will be happy with the more consistent updates from here on out.

Mickey: Gallagher, that you?

Ian: Who the fuck else would it be? Haha!

Mickey: Look, there are a lot of people at your house to answer the phone. I don’t wanna be talking to Lip about personal shit right now, ok?

Ian: Why not? Lip would be  _ so  _ into talking about Inmate Johnson’s…. Well…

Mickey: His incredibly small micro-dick? Cause I ain’t never seen one that small before, just sayin’.

Ian: I’m sure you’re exaggerating. Not everyone can be blessed with the 9 you’re used to.

Mickey: Got news for you, Gallagher. There’s some dudes in here who make you look like a 9-year old boy. Fuckin’ intimidating. Not that I’m looking.

Ian: I know you’re looking, don’t pretend.

Mickey: You’re right, I’m staring holes in every dick I see, ok? 

Ian: I’d expect nothing less.

[They laugh]

Mickey: So Caleb. He, uh, treating you right?

Ian: Oh, I actually… I actually kinda talk about him in the letter that I guess you’ll get later today or tomorrow.

Mickey: K... This is awkward as fuck, right?

Ian: Yeah… I don’t really know how much to say, really. Don’t wanna cross some sort of line or anything… Make ya mad...

[Long pause.]

Mickey: I’m- I’m not gonna get mad. What’m I gonna do, put a hit on you?

Ian: Jesus, Mick. 

[Noise from fiddling with phone]

Ian: No, nothin’ like that, Christ. Just… Y’know, this being friends thing is new and — 

[Interrupts]

Mickey: -- Did I tell you about my bunkie?

Ian: The one jacking your shit all the time?

Mickey: Yeah, he stole my jello. My JELLO, Ian! Had to get him back, obviously.

Ian: You and that goddamned Jello...

Mickey: It’s fuckin good, ok? Anyway, he stole my shit, so I just left a little extra something-something in his dirty laundry.

Ian: Mick…. You ain’t about to get  _ more  _ time, are you?

Mickey: Nah, I’m cool. Can’t say too much cause this is recorded, but let’s just say he’s getting the help he needs now. 

[Long, awkward silence. Ian grunts a couple of times like he wants to say something but changes his mind]

Mickey: It was just some… uh, presents, like I used to give to Phillip, ya know?

Ian: Jesus, Mick. You couldn’t just kick his ass and get some time in solitary or something?

Mickey: Solitary sucks, smells like ass in there.

Ian: Well, what’s done is done, I guess.

Mickey: He’s still back there, waiting. Thinks it was me, but there’s no evidence.

Ian: You know you won’t be able to do that trick more than once without there being a trail to you eventually…

Mickey: Do I look dumb to you? I know that. Got plenty of other ideas if I need ‘em.

Ian: [Laughs] ‘course you do.

Mickey: Plus, being Terry’s son, you know. I know people. People know me.

Ian: Yeah, yeah, quit your braggin.

[Buzzer sounds.]

Mickey: Shit, that’s me.

Ian: Fuck, that’s  _ all? _

Mickey: Sorry. I’m s- 

[Phone call ends.]


	18. March 30, 2016

Ian, 

Kinda expected to hear from you, asshole. But I understand. Life out there goes on, and in here it’s all the same shit, different day. 

Been thinking. About abuse. I know we weren’t- we know what abuse is, right?

But at the same time, the guy has a point. Not even trying to blame you or me, but we hurt each other a lot. Not just physically. Pretty much every way you can hurt a person, we did that. I always had this idea that if you if I cared about someone a lot, I’d do anything not to hurt them.

That’s not what happened though, is it?

How’s the yuppie treating you? Don’t need specifics, but if it ain’t right, you let me know. I can call someone. 

I know I’m probably jumping the gun, that I’m gonna receive the letter replying to last week’s probably today or tomorrow — assuming you’re still not ditching me. I guess I’d understand that, too. If you ditched me, cause you’ve got it all going on out there.

I just kinda got caught up doing that thing you’re always doing, thinking too much. I have a lot of time to think in here, and shit gets dark fast. Hope I don’t start doing this all the time, it’s fucking depressing.

\--Not just a Penpal?


	19. March 31, 2016; April 4, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter to make sense, y'all may have to look back at the last two letters Mickey sent, these are Ian's responses to both of them.

Mick,

Yeah, again with the stupid questions, I know. But… I mean, don’t go assuming that everyone I see I’m expecting to get fuckin married to or something. I’m still not sure where I stand on that anymore, you should know that.

I’m glad you don’t think we abused each other… I don’t think so either. It’s just that when those thoughts start, it’s hard to ignore them, you know? I’m still sorry about hitting you… among other things, but… I guess I’ll apologize to those things properly when I can. In a letter or over the phone seems kinda bullshit, or like a cop-out. Although I can already feel your eyeroll at me apologizing at all so maybe I’ll just leave it here? You’re a tricky one to read, Mick. Even harder when you’re locked up, I suspect that won’t ever change.

It’s going to be another couple of months before I can start my EMT training so… I don’t know what I’m going to do in the meantime. I lost another fucking job and I’m starting to get really pissed with myself. Just as soon as I start feeling better and start feeling damn near normal, BAM, something happens and I just suddenly don’t want to do what I know I’ve got to do. And… yeah, that’s another thing that’s pissing me off with Caleb, he doesn’t get it. He wants me to just be able to get out of bed because he said I need to and it just doesn’t fucking work that way.

So, back to the drawing board. Just gotta keep my nose clean until classes start and then I’ll be on my way to a real career.

Anyway, that’s enough about me. You get a new bunkie yet? Do they do movie nights for you guys? Or maybe you finally decided to take my advice and try reading a book? What exactly are you doing to pass the time in there? You always make it sound like you’ve got nothing going on but I can’t imagine you laying in your bed or sitting at a table staring at the wall.

Love,

Definitely more than a penpal

* * *

Well, that’s a big change of heart, Mick. I was just starting to feel better about our life together and then that? I know you’re right but… Yeah, that gives me something new to think about, that I was so ready to write it off. I mean, what does that say? I’m so confused. You fucking confuse me. And that pisses me off because you were always the one thing in my life I was never confused about. Even at the rockiest of times I knew I wanted you and you wanted me and it was that fucking simple. But now, yeah, how is it we were able to put each other through so much of our bullshit? Maybe that’s a part of growing up? If we got back 

You don’t even understand yuppie, Mick. His friends are so fucking catty, damn near like women! They’re bitchy and give back-handed compliments and act shocked when you get snarky back and it’s a goddamned headache dealing with them. I don’t know if I want to know how he’d react to the Gallaghers…

Now that I’m out of the job you can pretty much call me whenever now.

Love,

Your more than a penpal, Ian.


	20. April 8/9, 2016

I fucking confuse you? Really, bitch? 

I spent years of my life doing anything you wanted, everything I could, moving heaven and earth to be with you, and you tossed me away like- like trash. 

“ **_Love_ ** ”?

You say it now, like this, when you can’t even talk about the fucking “abuse” thing but you have no problem dashing off “Love” like it’s nothing?

Fuck, Ian. I waited to hear that from you for so long- it’s all I wanted. I’m writing because I think if I called you right now I’d scream. I’d curse and scream and we’d be back in the same old shit, and I  don’t want to do that anymore .

Not with you and not with anyone. Being mad and scared all the time- it’s so tiring. That’s how I imagine you feel when you’re low. Like there’s no point making any moves cause they’ll all end up fucking you up worse.

You’re not mine, not anymore. Maybe you never were. You belong to yourself, I guess, and that’s good.

\---

Ok, I put this down for a day and now I’m back. I feel like I can say what I mean now, but I’m not erasing the other shit, because me hiding shit to protect you ain’t right either. That’s not friends, or anything else.

You’ll love this, my new bunkie is a redhead. He ain’t like you though- he’s quiet, which is fine. Makes these little folded paper animals, I keep finding them everywhere in our cell. Liam would love them- I’ll see if he’ll let me send you one for him soon.

There are no movie nights here, but the TVs are on around the clock and different groups get to control the remote at different times of the day. Nothing violent, so we watch a lot of cooking shows and old black and white shows. I didn’t realize, but there’s a Law and Order episode on around the clock. We’re obviously not allowed to watch that either. The library here is real small, but I found a book I’m gonna try. No promises.

We work out a lot, I’m getting fuckin’ ripped in here. Pretty hot, if I do say so myself.

There’s plenty of bullshit with other guys, but mostly it’s really fucking boring, and I hate to admit it but I re read your letters, a lot. The first one, mostly. It’s like if I re read them enough, I’ll find a hidden message you didn’t even know you were writing. But nothing yet, ha ha.

Anyway, tell those yuppies some stories about how your old boyfriend got shot for stealing a snickers bar, they’ll eat that shit up. Bet none of them ever had someone get shot TWICE for ‘em.

(I’d get shot again, if it would help.)

\-- I don’t fuckin’ know.


	21. April 13/14/15, 2016

### April 13/14/15, 2016

Inmate Milkovich,

Fine. Then I don’t love you. Fuck me for trying, right? If I tossed you away like fucking garbage then why the fuck are you even bothering? You know what, fuck this.

\- - - 

So, I’m not allowed to love you and let you know it, but you can tell me that you’re rereading my letters? Pick a fucking speed, bitch. Either you like me still or you don’t. Don’t try to make me feel like shit for bein vulnerable to you and then go and say soft shit like that. You’re

\- - -

I really don’t even know what to say anymore.

You’re mad at me for sayin you confuse me but CASE. IN. FUCKING. POINT.

\- - -

Glad I ain’t in there with you. Sounds boring as fuck and sounds like you’d be bitchy as all hell from being bored as fuck. Which, maybe that’s another reason why I don’t visit anymore. Like, yeah you’re always acting in love and happy to see me and shit but once it became a new norm you’d go back to giving me your Milkovich tude.

Enjoy your redhead silver medal.


	22. April 20, 2016

I tried to call you, but I guess you didn’t get my voicemail. Or you’re busy. Or whatever. You’re mad at me, cause I was pissed at you and showed it for one measly minute. 

If you don’t know why I’m bothering, maybe you ain’t been paying attention. Years of my life, my safety, my family, my freedom. I laid it all down at the altar of the great Ian Gallagher and now he’s- I don’t even know where you are. 

There’ve always been two versions of me, ya know? Two of me, and one of you. Or so I thought. There’s the outside me, Terry’s bitch, the Milkovich attitude. Waste of space, fucked for life, illiterate, all that shit. But then I got to be someone else- with you. So if I’m confusing you, maybe you’re just seeing the two sides, mesh, I guess? I’m tryin’ to be more of a whole person. 

But I thought there was only one you. Smart, hot, determined. Now you’re sounding like- fuck, like twenty different voices at once and I don’t know how to take that. I always knew you hid shit. I just told myself it didn’t matter, that I had enough of you, got more than anyone else. But now, the shit you’re hiding. This fucking temper tantrum ain’t like you, ok? And I know you’re gonna freak out that I called it that, so be it. So fuckin’ be it. You’re acting like a spoiled brat who can’t have what he wants when he wants it, and I can’t fix it right now. 

I am bored as fuck in here. I can’t hunt you down- I did too much of that already. All I can do is think, and if you have any delusions that I’m thinking about Clifford the Big Red Cellmate, well- take your meds, bitch.

Maybe I shouldn’t write or call. It’s selfish, you got a lot goin on out there and you clearly don’t want or need me to make it worse. So I guess I’ll see you around.

  
  
  
  
  


P.S. That’s a fuckin lie. Your letters are the only thing I have in here. 


	23. April 26, 2016

4:15PM

[The person you are trying to reach is not available. Please leave your voicemail at the sound of the tone. * _Beep*_.]

Mickey: Yo, Gallagher. 

[Pause. He clears his throat.]

Mickey: Just thought I’d hear back or some shit. Even if it was just a page of cursin’. Uh- let me know you’re ok. Or have Carl visit, I put him on the list. Not Lip though. Anyway- I gotta go. I hope-

[End of voice message]


	24. May 1, 2016

Lip,

No bullshit, man. Is Ian ok? 

Give it to me straight. I been watchin’ the kid a long time and I know a spiral. He’s not answering when I call, not writin’ back. If I was there, I could do shit, but now I gotta write to you and YOU gotta do it.

You might say I have no right to an answer. Maybe I don’t. 

I gotta lot of time to think right now, and some of what he’s sayin and doing, they don’t make sense. I said some harsh stuff in a letter, and now I’m thinkin he was lying to me. About the meds, about the firefighter, school. Trying not to hurt my feelings, maybe. He could be lying to everyone, I guess, but you ain’t dumb. You see him, and you can tell. 

Brother to brother, or whatever. 

So, just fuckin check up on him and tell him to send me a letter or pick up.

-You know the fuck who


	25. May 5, 2016

Mickey,

Well, this is weird. 

Yeah, Ian’s — Ian is not doing so good. Fiona counted his pills last week and that pissed him off enough because — well, yeah, you can already guess. It wasn’t enough of a difference that he was _off_ of them, just that maybe he missed some doses. 

Things have been rough around here, Mickey. I had noticed a difference in him with you two talking, but, I don’t know; some time after Fi’s crashed wedding things went sideways. He had been walking around light as air for a couple of months but then, some time a couple of weeks ago he just — I can’t even describe it, stopped.

We haven’t seen him since the 18th; but, as with every time that kid’s run away, he checks in periodically. We’ve begged him to come home but, I don’t know. It’s the Monica in him, I guess.

Anyway, like I said, there’s a lot of shit going on right now and Ian’s shown that he’s the type who ain’t gonna get help until he wants to. And he clearly doesn’t want to. He’ll come back when he’s ready for help and until then, he calls at least once a week so we know he’s alive and relatively okay.


	26. May 12, 2016

Lip

“Relatively okay???” This is your fucking brother. We had to hide the knives the first time and you haven’t seen his stupid face in weeks and you think he’s ok?

Fuck you, man. If I was out there, we both know I’d be pounding the streets to find him. You know where he goes when he’s like this, it’s always the same. He’s holed up with some old dude, not fuckin’ eating, not takin his meds. 

And  I can’t do anything about it from in here , unless you want me calling MY brothers to go find him? You want them to take him home to the tender mercies of Terry? Fuck no. So it’s on you, Phillip. Stop passing the buck and pretending you don’t see what’s happening. 


	27. May 18, 2016

Fuck you , Milkovich. You don’t got a fucking  clue what we got going on over here. Ian’s a big boy, he’s going to be alright. If you still think that calling on Brothers Milkovich is going to somehow knock sense into Ian, you haven’t been paying as close attention as you think. Ian needs to choose it  for himself. And no ex, no matter how intense the relationship, no matter how deep the history, is going to suddenly change his mind.

You do what you think is right. I’ve got my own shit going on — Carl’s fresh out of a fucking gang, I’m fresh out of fucking rehab, and who the fuck knows what’s up with Debbie and Fiona. The Gallaghers are all fucked up, you should know that. Send out your goons if you think that’s going to make a difference, but I’m telling you, it won’t.

I’d say don’t drop the soap, but….


End file.
